Thursday, September 4, 2008

Protege de La Rose Noire review

Charlene, a homeless alien and Gillian, a homeless student with a temper, both discover an ad for a job providing food and housing. Enlisting a friendly taxi driver to take them up to an enormous gothic house, they find themselves victim to the strange owner, Rose, who imprisons and subsequently trains them as superheroes.

The Good?
Charlene Choi and Gillian Chung are charming because this film was built for them of course. The few highlights involve the two from Charlene's awkward and odd dances to showcase her alien powers, to the two in Jackie Chan 70's haircuts performing Drunken Master training montage parodies.

The film might be unintentionally funny at times. It's hysterical to watch for the bad humor and try to determine the writer's mode of thought for each particular joke. The film also parodies the Matrix with another bullet time joke. That's not particularly funny, but the fact that someone in the world thinks it is funny and invested in that joke for a major motion picture is hilarious.

Donnie Yen's little sister, Chris Yen, can actually do martial arts. She has the occasionally attractive action sequence. Did Donnie direct this film solely for her reel?

The Bad?
The list is too long. The film is filled with horrible jokes and gags like a clunky robot running through scenes trying to cut off male genitalia. The jokes aren't authentically good enough to even get a smile nor obviously bad enough for the sake of ironic humor. It's just painful.

The plot is nearly incoherent. It feels like a group of ten-year olds penned it after eating a bulk order of pixie sticks.

The characters are all horribly annoying, and do nothing but hurt the reputations of the actors playing them, from Ekin Cheng to Teresa Mo.

If you're sick of the Twins at this point, their charm will not work. You'll want to kill yourself.

As interesting as evil bikini-clad antagonists, killer schoolgirls, Robin and Shiu Hung Hui with a cleaning obsession sound, the film somehow manages to fail. Really.


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